My 99¢ Therapy

Whether you have 10 pounds or 100+ pounds to lose it is not easy. Even if you really have no weight to lose but want to start living healthier there are obstacles to overcome.

With me, it is the mental part of it. Once my head is in the game, there is no stopping me. My biggest obstacle is myself. I get overwhelmed by the long road ahead of me and it does not take much to push me towards a dead end. I eat my emotions and there have been a lot of roller coaster emotions the past several years for me.

Well, I started keeping a journal.

I have been not only writing in my journal, but somehow my journal entries have been prompting me to have complete conversations with myself. In a way, I guess it is kind of an easy way to save money on therapy. The point is this little book that I carry in my purse has given me an outlet to get the junk out of my head. Has it solved the all issues in my little world? Not at all. Has it given me a chance to speak my peace? Absolutely.

I feel like the little light bulb finally stopped flickering and has switched into bright mode. My mind is feeling clearer and I am more focused. For the first time in a very long time I actually feel like the fight is really worth fighting and it is actually a possibility probability that I will win.

I know that there are many of you who are thinking that I have been putting up a great act of positivity and healthy changes to my lifestyle. Well, I knew that if I kept throwing the positivity out there, that I would eventually feel it and then I would be back on track. As far as the healthy changes, I have made many positive changes in my eating habits; unfortunately it has not been 100% of the time which has hurt me a great deal.

It was like being the positive model by day and cookie monster by night for me. Why? I eat my emotions. While I was at work, I didn’t really have time to dwell on the other aspects of my life. So, why have I been 100% on track with my eating, goals, and balancing emotions for three days now? I believe it is because I have taken the time to keep a journal. I have an online journal for tracking food, which is great, but it does not address the emotional aspect of trying to deal with life. My little 99¢ notebook has become the most valuable tool in this fight and I am so glad I have it.

So, I can finally say with 100% certainty that this journey is worth fighting for. I may make a few steps backwards now and then, but I will not give up on myself regardless of how many times others try to push me down. Remember this: I will come back stronger than ever!

I Am The Author Of My Life

I have always been a writer at heart. It has always been a dream of mine to write a book. The topic of this book has changed over the years depending on where my life is at the moment. I have gone back and forth in my mind and could never really answer that question.

Fiction or non-fiction? Mystery or romance? Biography or auto biography? Collection of poems? Well, you get the picture. I have the beginnings to many great stories in my floppy disks, cds, and usb drives, but I have never completed any of them. OK, you got me. That is not 100% true. I do have a couple of completed poems and some short stories from my high school days.

The point is, I guess that I never really had enough faith in myself that I could actually produce a finished product which anyone would like. I have never believed the positive feedback received from family, friends, teachers, and employers. I felt it was “sympathy praise”. Some of you may find that statement crazy, but I am pretty sure that there are plenty of you out there who know exactly where I am coming from.

When you have no faith in yourself it is pretty difficult to believe that anyone else can genuinely like anything about you. Well, that is how I have felt most of my life. I could go into a long drawn out story about my childhood, dysfunctional relationships with my parents/family, the death of my parents and brother, being called the fat kid, or even feeling like the black sheep of the family. But, when it comes down to it, you can only blame the world for so long before you have to take responsibility for your own life.

What about the story of my life? It has gotten off to a pretty slow start. The first 44 years of it has been filled with a lot of self-esteem issues, insecurities, and emotional baggage. Does that mean that the story can’t go in a different direction halfway through the book? Not at all. I am the author of this story and a huge twist is happening NOW!

With a lot of support from my children, my husband, and the people I have met on my Facebook page, I have actually started to believe in myself. The next few chapters are going to be filled with ups and downs, but the finale will full of love and self acceptance with a lot of action mixed in.

Oh, and about that novel that I want to publish? That is coming as well. It is never too late!

Taking Responsibility

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I went from such happiness having spent some time with my children and grandchildren to feelings of hopelessness and despair as our family found one of our own in the intensive care unit with not very good news. For a little over a week now I have been surviving on lots of coffee and cafeteria food or take out since all my waking moments are either at work or at the hospital.

There are some who might feel that the stress from the current situation might be the perfect reason excuse to put my goals aside. I have to admit, I was starting to lean that way. I found myself focusing on all the “what if’s” and things that just HAD to be done rather than slowing down and making a plan. Last night I cracked and had my moment of glory craziness where my husband was very aware that I needed both sleep and a break.

Thank goodness for great husbands! This morning I woke up thinking a little more clearly and I am ready to take responsibility for my life and leave the things I have no control over to God. He knows what to do and I just need to let go and step back. I am in the fight for my own life and I am not helping anyone by continuing the path of self-destruction which I have followed for so many years.

This morning I took the time to pack my breakfast and my lunch for work and took something out of the freezer which can be prepared quickly for dinner tonight when I get home from the hospital. No more grabbing fast food just because it’s convenient I did not plan ahead and it is the “easy” way out. I also have fruit on my desk and almond butter in the kitchen here at work for snacks. I am no longer using life’s road bumps as an excuse to stop caring about my own health. I have taken responsibility for my own health and well-being and this is one battle I intend to win!