I will spare everyone the long sordid story, but there has been some extra doses of stress dealt to my family these past couple of weeks and as a result I have not been the best that I can be. I have kept the positivity up on the outside, but the internal struggle is overwhelming at times.
This is one of those times that I really, really miss my Mom. You know what I mean; I miss her all the time, but I can just imagine what she would say to me given my current state of mind and physical condition. These are her words which are ringing in my ears today:
I really don’t know why you are killing yourself this way. You have spent your entire life trying to live up to the expectations of others and totally disregarding your own needs, hopes, dreams, and ultimately your health. I know it has been real hard for you since I was called home, but I am still with you and I can see all the positive changes you have made in your life.
Lately, some of those changes have not been so visible. You will never, ever make everyone happy. Ultimately you will destroy any chance you have at a healthy life if you continue to kill yourself over what you feel some of the family members and/or strangers think about you and your choices. Oh, and as long as we are on the subject, since when do you let people who don’t even know you dictate how you feel about yourself?
Do you not remember watching me try to live up to my sisters’ image and expectations? It drove me crazy and I spent many nights crying over things out of my control. Please, oh please learn from my mistakes and take care of yourself. I want your grandchildren to have you around. One of my greatest regrets is that my grandchildren have grown without being able to really know me.
So, Diana, this is my advice to you. Stop giving other people so much control over your life. Just be yourself and take care of yourself the way you know you need to. Reach deep down into that place where you still know that you can and will succeed in anything and everything you want to do. If you don’t you will follow in my footsteps and leave this earth long before your time and you have much more to give the world.