Tag Archives: responsibility

I Am The Author Of My Life

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I have always been a writer at heart. It has always been a dream of mine to write a book. The topic of this book has changed over the years depending on where my life is at the moment. I have gone back and forth in my mind and could never really answer that question.

Fiction or non-fiction? Mystery or romance? Biography or auto biography? Collection of poems? Well, you get the picture. I have the beginnings to many great stories in my floppy disks, cds, and usb drives, but I have never completed any of them. OK, you got me. That is not 100% true. I do have a couple of completed poems and some short stories from my high school days.

The point is, I guess that I never really had enough faith in myself that I could actually produce a finished product which anyone would like. I have never believed the positive feedback received from family, friends, teachers, and employers. I felt it was “sympathy praise”. Some of you may find that statement crazy, but I am pretty sure that there are plenty of you out there who know exactly where I am coming from.

When you have no faith in yourself it is pretty difficult to believe that anyone else can genuinely like anything about you. Well, that is how I have felt most of my life. I could go into a long drawn out story about my childhood, dysfunctional relationships with my parents/family, the death of my parents and brother, being called the fat kid, or even feeling like the black sheep of the family. But, when it comes down to it, you can only blame the world for so long before you have to take responsibility for your own life.

What about the story of my life? It has gotten off to a pretty slow start. The first 44 years of it has been filled with a lot of self-esteem issues, insecurities, and emotional baggage. Does that mean that the story can’t go in a different direction halfway through the book? Not at all. I am the author of this story and a huge twist is happening NOW!

With a lot of support from my children, my husband, and the people I have met on my Facebook page, I have actually started to believe in myself. The next few chapters are going to be filled with ups and downs, but the finale will full of love and self acceptance with a lot of action mixed in.

Oh, and about that novel that I want to publish? That is coming as well. It is never too late!

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Obstacle or Opportunity?

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As everyone knows, I have really been struggling that past couple of months. There are so many external factors which I let dictate my life AGAIN! If you want to read about the pep talk I gave myself you can find it in this post.

That lit a fire in me and with the help from my friends; this week has been just one success after the other. Now, has everything been perfect? No. But, I have not given up and I am actually starting to feel better.  I have been able to control my food intake without too much of a struggle and I have gotten activity in every day, even if it is not the amount I wanted it was better than the ZERO activity I was getting before.

There are a lot of changes going on in the little world of me. I am working hard at becoming the best me I can, and at the same time I am trying juggle a family, work, and other responsibilities. I know, I am not the only person who has responsibilities, but they are still a contributing factor to my current stress level. On top of putting my health as a priority above all else, my family and I are moving out of our home into an apartment. (Very long story which I will not bore anyone with)

Because this is kind of a scary move for me, I have decided to make this a positive experience by looking at it as an opportunity to clean out all my closets and garage like I have been wanting to for a while. Just think of all the treasures that my local shelters and/or goodwill will receive AND I will have a nice, clean slate to start from.

I am also a bit excited because this apartment complex has tennis courts and three swimming pools. Let’s just say I see some additional opportunities for activity in addition to the fact that I am pretty sure we will be on the third floor. In preparation for the stairs, I have been forcing myself to go up and down the stairs here at work a couple of times a day. Hopefully I will be conditioned enough that I don’t feel like passing out the first week we are in our new place.

That is really all I have going on right now. How do you handle change? Do you look at it as an obstacle or as an opportunity?

Taking Responsibility

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The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I went from such happiness having spent some time with my children and grandchildren to feelings of hopelessness and despair as our family found one of our own in the intensive care unit with not very good news. For a little over a week now I have been surviving on lots of coffee and cafeteria food or take out since all my waking moments are either at work or at the hospital.

There are some who might feel that the stress from the current situation might be the perfect reason excuse to put my goals aside. I have to admit, I was starting to lean that way. I found myself focusing on all the “what if’s” and things that just HAD to be done rather than slowing down and making a plan. Last night I cracked and had my moment of glory craziness where my husband was very aware that I needed both sleep and a break.

Thank goodness for great husbands! This morning I woke up thinking a little more clearly and I am ready to take responsibility for my life and leave the things I have no control over to God. He knows what to do and I just need to let go and step back. I am in the fight for my own life and I am not helping anyone by continuing the path of self-destruction which I have followed for so many years.

This morning I took the time to pack my breakfast and my lunch for work and took something out of the freezer which can be prepared quickly for dinner tonight when I get home from the hospital. No more grabbing fast food just because it’s convenient I did not plan ahead and it is the “easy” way out. I also have fruit on my desk and almond butter in the kitchen here at work for snacks. I am no longer using life’s road bumps as an excuse to stop caring about my own health. I have taken responsibility for my own health and well-being and this is one battle I intend to win!