Monthly Archives: September 2012

What Would Mom Think?

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I will spare everyone the long sordid story, but there has been some extra doses of stress dealt to my family these past couple of weeks and as a result I have not been the best that I can be. I have kept the positivity up on the outside, but the internal struggle is overwhelming at times.

This is one of those times that I really, really miss my Mom. You know what I mean; I miss her all the time, but I can just imagine what she would say to me given my current state of mind and physical condition. These are her words which are ringing in my ears today:

Diana,

I really don’t know why you are killing yourself this way. You have spent your entire life trying to live up to the expectations of others and totally disregarding your own needs, hopes, dreams, and ultimately your health. I know it has been real hard for you since I was called home, but I am still with you and I can see all the positive changes you have made in your life.

Lately, some of those changes have not been so visible. You will never, ever make everyone happy. Ultimately you will destroy any chance you have at a healthy life if you continue to kill yourself over what you feel some of the family members and/or strangers think about you and your choices. Oh, and as long as we are on the subject, since when do you let people who don’t even know you dictate how you feel about yourself?

Do you not remember watching me try to live up to my sisters’ image and expectations? It drove me crazy and I spent many nights crying over things out of my control. Please, oh please learn from my mistakes and take care of yourself. I want your grandchildren to have you around. One of my greatest regrets is that my grandchildren have grown without being able to really know me.

So, Diana, this is my advice to you. Stop giving other people so much control over your life. Just be yourself and take care of yourself the way you know you need to. Reach deep down into that place where you still know that you can and will succeed in anything and everything you want to do. If you don’t you will follow in my footsteps and leave this earth long before your time and you have much more to give the world.

Love,

Mom

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Dear Future Self

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Dear Future Diana,

I am so proud of you for getting your journey back on track. By the looks of it, I would say you finally kicked the dessert habit also. Good for you! What is it like to be able to get on the floor and play with the grandkids? Oh, I bet you can tie your shoes without feeling like you just had a full workout. I have so many questions to ask you and I am not real sure where to begin.

I guess the best place to start is by letting you know that I have already started some small little habits that helped you get where you are today. Just like I promised back in April, I have started drinking only water (Ok, I still drink my morning coffee, but the cream level has been reduced drastically), I eat breakfast every day, and my fruit and vegetable consumption is significantly higher.

To answer your question, yes it is a healthy breakfast about 98% of the time. If you don’t believe me, just check my tracker on MyFitnessPal because I may not log everything, but I do log my breakfast. I know, I should log everything, but I am getting there. Oh, this morning? Yeah, had some errands to run so I stopped at Wawa. I didn’t do too badly though. See, I am learning.

Now, to some of those questions I have for you:

  1. How did you get the determination to not quit? How did you get past the obstacles that life placed in your path? I seem to be struggling with that at the moment.
  2. How long did it take before you could climb the stairs without pulling yourself up or losing your breath? I have lived here for 6 months and I still can’t do that.
  3. What did it feel like the first time you were able to fly without fear of being ridiculed?
  4. Do you own those boots that you swore you would have someday? (If you don’t remember the boot story, you can read it here.)
  5. How was it when you were finally able to ride those roller coasters again?
  6. I know that you have a regular exercise routine, what did you do to start? How did you get past the pain and keep going?
  7. Did the eczema and asthma get better as you lost the weight and got healthier?

There are so many more questions I would love to ask, but they aren’t coming to mind right now. I am happy to say that I have outlined my next baby step for our journey. I have decided that the next goal is to not eat take-out and cook dinner every night.

I know, it is not going to be easy with “the husband’s” obsession with pizza, chinese, and drive thru cuisine. But, you obviously figured out a way to conquer it, so that is what I am doing this week. I am not saying I will never eat take-out again, but I am saying that I need to get in the habit of cooking for myself. So, if he wants take-out he can get it. I will still prepare my dinner.

Oh, one more question:

Were you ever able to get that husband of yours to eat any vegetables without tricking him? LOL

I Am The Author Of My Life

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I have always been a writer at heart. It has always been a dream of mine to write a book. The topic of this book has changed over the years depending on where my life is at the moment. I have gone back and forth in my mind and could never really answer that question.

Fiction or non-fiction? Mystery or romance? Biography or auto biography? Collection of poems? Well, you get the picture. I have the beginnings to many great stories in my floppy disks, cds, and usb drives, but I have never completed any of them. OK, you got me. That is not 100% true. I do have a couple of completed poems and some short stories from my high school days.

The point is, I guess that I never really had enough faith in myself that I could actually produce a finished product which anyone would like. I have never believed the positive feedback received from family, friends, teachers, and employers. I felt it was “sympathy praise”. Some of you may find that statement crazy, but I am pretty sure that there are plenty of you out there who know exactly where I am coming from.

When you have no faith in yourself it is pretty difficult to believe that anyone else can genuinely like anything about you. Well, that is how I have felt most of my life. I could go into a long drawn out story about my childhood, dysfunctional relationships with my parents/family, the death of my parents and brother, being called the fat kid, or even feeling like the black sheep of the family. But, when it comes down to it, you can only blame the world for so long before you have to take responsibility for your own life.

What about the story of my life? It has gotten off to a pretty slow start. The first 44 years of it has been filled with a lot of self-esteem issues, insecurities, and emotional baggage. Does that mean that the story can’t go in a different direction halfway through the book? Not at all. I am the author of this story and a huge twist is happening NOW!

With a lot of support from my children, my husband, and the people I have met on my Facebook page, I have actually started to believe in myself. The next few chapters are going to be filled with ups and downs, but the finale will full of love and self acceptance with a lot of action mixed in.

Oh, and about that novel that I want to publish? That is coming as well. It is never too late!