I have taken a bit of a hiatus from writing so I could gather my thoughts and re-set my state of mind.
I am constantly in awe of how the river of life sometimes takes us in a completely different direction than what we expected. It seems as though no amount of planning can compete with what the Universe has in store for us. There have been plenty of occasions that I have come across a bridge which has been washed out and have had to find a way around it.
In my many hours of searching for the happiness that I felt would fall at my feet
when if I had the perfect body I discovered that the only way to get where I want to be, I need to truly appreciate and love where I am. And in order to love where I am, I needed to understand how I got here.
If there is anything I have learned in the past few years, it is that having fat and being fat are two different things. There are so many of us who go through life with the acceptance that they are fat. What is truly disturbing about that thought is that many are not carrying any extra weight at all. The extra weight is carried in the mind rather than on the body.
The human brain has amazing powers. Not only can thoughts convince someone that they are sick when they are not, but it can just as easily convince them that they are completely healthy when the opposite is true. I don’t need any studies or science to tell me this because I experience it myself on almost a daily basis.
There have been times when just the thought of something unpleasant has flipped my stomach upside down and I was convinced I was coming down with the flu just as the anticipation of something I am excited about has helped me forget that I am in the middle of an Asthma attack. While, admittedly, that might be a little drastic, it has happened to me.
What does this tell me? Being fat is nothing more than a state of mind. Do I have fat? Yes. Am I fat? I used to be, but not any more. There are many who would ask themselves how I can say that when I have almost 200 pounds of excess weight on my 5’2″ frame.
The way I see it is that I was fat for the first 40+ years of my life because in my mind I was defined only by the extra weight. Every day I would wake up focusing on just how fat I was and how perfect my life would be if I was not cursed to have the body I have. This became my obsession. No matter how hard I tried, I just had the hardest time losing weight. In fact, it seemed that I was actually fulfilling those thoughts because I gained weight. I was destined to be fat. At least that was until I learned the difference between being fat and having fat.
Why am I no longer fat? In stark contrast to the way I felt about myself before, I am also choosing to live my life even with the extra weight. How silly is it to think that I don’t deserve to experience all that life has to offer just because I am heavier than the average person? How unfair is it to my family that until recently I have not participated as much as I wanted to in family activities out of fear of judgement? Well, in the past year I have discovered that I have fat, but that does not mean I need to be fat.
I kicked the scale to the curb so I could stop putting so much importance on the fat. I don’t weight myself more than maybe once a month. When I do choose to weigh myself it is more of a benchmark than validation for me. I just don’t see the importance in how my body is in relation to gravity on any given day. What is important is that I am finally living to the fullest of my capabilities and I am getting better daily. Oh, and about those extra pounds: They are slowly but surely leaving. I guess they don’t like the fact that they aren’t getting all my attention any more.