Tag Archives: self loathing

I Am The Author Of My Life

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I have always been a writer at heart. It has always been a dream of mine to write a book. The topic of this book has changed over the years depending on where my life is at the moment. I have gone back and forth in my mind and could never really answer that question.

Fiction or non-fiction? Mystery or romance? Biography or auto biography? Collection of poems? Well, you get the picture. I have the beginnings to many great stories in my floppy disks, cds, and usb drives, but I have never completed any of them. OK, you got me. That is not 100% true. I do have a couple of completed poems and some short stories from my high school days.

The point is, I guess that I never really had enough faith in myself that I could actually produce a finished product which anyone would like. I have never believed the positive feedback received from family, friends, teachers, and employers. I felt it was “sympathy praise”. Some of you may find that statement crazy, but I am pretty sure that there are plenty of you out there who know exactly where I am coming from.

When you have no faith in yourself it is pretty difficult to believe that anyone else can genuinely like anything about you. Well, that is how I have felt most of my life. I could go into a long drawn out story about my childhood, dysfunctional relationships with my parents/family, the death of my parents and brother, being called the fat kid, or even feeling like the black sheep of the family. But, when it comes down to it, you can only blame the world for so long before you have to take responsibility for your own life.

What about the story of my life? It has gotten off to a pretty slow start. The first 44 years of it has been filled with a lot of self-esteem issues, insecurities, and emotional baggage. Does that mean that the story can’t go in a different direction halfway through the book? Not at all. I am the author of this story and a huge twist is happening NOW!

With a lot of support from my children, my husband, and the people I have met on my Facebook page, I have actually started to believe in myself. The next few chapters are going to be filled with ups and downs, but the finale will full of love and self acceptance with a lot of action mixed in.

Oh, and about that novel that I want to publish? That is coming as well. It is never too late!

An Open Letter To The Woman In The Corner

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To The Woman In The Corner.

You remember me, don’t you? My husband and I were having dinner about two tables over from you in that buffet last Friday night. I can’t imagine you have forgotten us since you watched us for over an hour with a look of disgust on your face. Was it difficult for you to see a couple out eating dinner who were actually enjoying each other’s company since the other five people you were with obviously were unable to keep your attention?

I am not sure why you were so fascinated with us that you felt the need to make eye contact with me then literally give me that look of absolute disgust. However, you were interested enough to watch us eat so there are a few things I feel compelled to say to you.

When two overweight people enter a buffet there are some common sense rules you can keep in mind.

  1. Don’t assume that they are there for your entertainment or judgement
  2. Do assume that they are human beings with eyes and feelings just like you
  3. You can also assume that their bodies need fuel just as yours does
  4. Consider that while someone may be overweight, you never know where that person is in their journey
  5. Another safe assumption would be that they are not interested in what is on your plate, so you do not need to feel as though we judge you or your food choices
  6. Just in case you wanted to see what some good food choices would be and that is why you were watching me eat so intently, most of the food you so carefully watched me consume was vegetables. Oh, I did have some rotisserie chicken AND I removed the skin
  7. Oh, for the record, I don’t drink soda often but when I do I drink it full strength. No diet stuff for me. That is a personal preference and one soda a month is not how I got fat
  8. Yes, I did have dessert and it was delicious. Thank you!
  9. Next time maybe if you pay a little more attention to the people you are dining with, others can actually eat without judgement.

One thing that may help you in the future is to close your eyes and think about going out on date night with your spouse and sitting down to eat when you notice a complete stranger sitting across the room from you. Then as the meal progresses that person, whom you have never met, made it a point to let you know that not only were they judging you based on the color of your hair, how tall you are, or maybe they just don’t like your clothes but that you actually disgusted them because of that physical trait. How would that make you feel? Yes, that is exactly how I felt when we left the restaurant.

But, guess what! I actually like and accept myself. I know that I am doing everything I can to make myself a healthier version of me. Notice I did not say a skinnier or thinner version? That’s because it is not about size and you would do well to remember that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

The Aftermath of Christmas

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Like so many, I got caught up in the craziness of Christmas and ate A LOT!

Unlike so many, I am not waiting for the New Year to get back to business.

Christmas day was spent reflecting on the past year and remembering all the promises I made to myself which were broken, all the goals which were made and not met, and the self loathing which resulted.

About two weeks ago I decided enough is enough. The Fairy Godmother is not going to wave her magic wand and make years of self-destruction disappear. I also am not going to meet any of those goals by writing them alone. Yes, I know it is a shock to everyone that writing something down does not make it so. You mean I have to actually work at it?

Let’s take my 5K in February goal. To be fair, when I set that goal (in April) I was working out and feeling good. I thought that if I set the goal far enough in the future, that I would have no problem meeting that goal. I mean, 10 months is more than enough time to get in shape for a 5K even at my size, right? Here are the problems with that thought process:

  • 10 months leaves you plenty of time for procrastination (if you are a procrastinator like me)
  • The month delay also made it feel not real for some reason
  • I announced the goal to the world, set up a FaceBook page just for that goal with accountability in mind. For some reason this did the opposite and I put a lot of pressure on myself. I gave up before I even gave myself a chance.
  • I let life get in the way and took my eye off the goal because it was something I could “worry about later”

Let me just put it out there publicly. The 5K goal in February (which I signed up for and paid for by the way) is more than likely not going to happen. I am not being a pessimist nor am I giving up on myself. I am telling you that with just a little over a month to go, I can barely walk a mile without pain.

Here is a clear-cut, very short-term goal to take myself into the new year:

For the remainder of 2011 and the month of January I will not eat my emotions or my stress. I am finding better ways to deal with life.

As my co-worker has told me, exercise is the not only an excellent way for her to deal with her stress, but the only way. I already knew that, but it is about time I actually apply the knowledge.

How have I dealt with the aftermath of Christmas? I have not let the loss of control actually control me. I took control back and I am on my way to healthy!