I have come a long way from the days that I absolutely despised myself. My self-hatred was most definitely reflected in everything I did. From my job to my family, it was no secret that I did not like myself and as a result not many people chose to spend time with me. If you have ever been in that really dark place of self-hatred you will understand when I say that it really did not matter to me much. I just kind of floated wherever the current took me, and much to my dismay my children ended up riding right along with me.
About 12 years ago I was living in my non-existent life and something crazy happened. I met my husband. We met online and took the time to really get to know each other before exchanging pictures or even “meeting”. He saw me! Not the overweight person who completely despised everything about herself, but he saw the person inside who was fighting to get out.
To make a rather long and boring story short, we met 5 years later and we will celebrate our third wedding anniversary in January. In the past 6 ½ years that we have been living together he has guided me through shedding the self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-inflicted sabotage.
Today I still have a lot of work to do, but somehow I started to see what he saw back in 1999. I am still quite overweight; actually I have gained about 50 pounds since we got together. But, the man still treats me like a queen. It took me a while to accept the fact that he loves me for me and the packaging does not matter.
Although my size does not matter to him and it does not really matter as much to me anymore, I am still concerned about my health. At this time I am fortunate enough to have perfect blood pressure, cholesterol levels, and no sign of diabetes. I want to increase my chances that everything will remain that way so I can actually live the life that I should have been living all along. So, just because I have given up the scale and counting calories does not mean I have given up on taking care of myself.
I have done pretty well at changing my habits. I have been practicing portion control, drinking my water, and fitting in a little extra activity every day. I still have a long way to go to accomplish all I want to, but I am on my way!